Kranky old man needs FHC therapist session.

I admit I can be as mom has told me "much too like your grandpa and he was too bullheaded for his own good". I was only 6 months old when he passed away but my mom and her sisters have made comments about how I remind them so much of their dad. I am trying to figure out what the right thing to do is, but am so torn because of the history and my bullheadedness I just need friendly advice. Long story short.... I haven't had the best of relationship with my dad. He has issues from his youth that he dealt with by diving into a bottle that only made them worse and projected them onto me and the rest of the family. I once moved out after high school distanced myself and after a couple instances of trying to be understanding and getting burned again just stepped out. Mom has been a saint and held her vows to heart and always been the wife/mom/glue that has prevented a total collapse. She just told me that I need to talk to dad soon. He has just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer prostate, in his bones in the shoulders/hips/spine, and lymph nodes. I have not hardly spoke to him in 15 years, still deal with after effects of a growing up with a control/manipulative/alcoholic. I am amazed how well adjusted as I am but still am a bullheaded and kranky old fart in no small part due to this. I don't want to regret things and deal with what if guilt but also don't want to just reopen wounds that have scarred over. I know this is an over simplified and biased base to form an easy answer for to a complex family dynamic, but any advice is appreciated as I am so torn over how to proceed. Thank you for any advice and the vent.

 

For your Mothers sake, you need to talk to him. You need to try and forgive him if you can, but an honest (like raw and totally honest) conversation with him is in order. It also depends on his mind frame, getting that sort of news can't be easy for him. It's a tough call.

 

You and your father should watch i can only imagine together....seriously.

 

My father is making his final exit now. Let’s just say he was rarely pleasant and it’s always been tough dealing with him. I’ve decided that when he’s gone I’m gonna say he was the perfect father. I’m just gonna remember him the way I want to and not the way it really was. I deserve a great father and soon I will have one.

 

You're only as healthy as the deepest secret(s) you keep.
I don't know if your mom thinks you should go talk to him while you have a chance or because she is concerned that when he does pass you're going to regret not having done so. It's usually part of the grieving process.

Where alcoholism and other drug abuses tend to run in families as there is far too often a genetic component, so do all the mental health issues that plague both the alcoholic and those they've abused/ manipulated/ neglected. This also has a generational component that lingers on, sometimes for generations.
Children of divorced parents often go thru some of the same and similar issues, so you're not alone. With 50% of families now divorced/broken there's a lot of kids with issues that can and are being passed down generationally. It's really not surprising we have "gun problems" that aren't gun problems at all in this country. I digress.

Don't know if you all did the AA thing. It is usually rejected as just more manipulation.
You probably still should as it probably won't help end the bullheadedness if it revolves around authority issues from having a father that wasn't always a father, but understanding the cause and effects sometimes helps a little bit.

But, yeah, you probably should go. Knowing it might not go well. It might seem afterwards to have been a total waste of time and effort. But after he passes you will wish you had made the effort. Any grudges you bear, justified or not may continue to haunt you. It will likely be a bit easier to move on when you get to that point if you can say " hey, I tried. " Because that's gonna be a lot easier than wishing you had.

Just don't go expecting anything as you'll likely only be let down, again. It may be an awful experience, it may not. But you will more than likely wish you had gone.

 

DO IT !!!!!!...............................bury the hatchet, you can't fix what happened, but you will kick yourself in the arse if you and he don't come to some conciliation before he departs.

 

A buddy of mine pretty much had ongoing arguments with his Dad. His Dad 's health failed and he knew it. I spoke with my buddy and told him to bury the hatchet (as mentioned above) and let him have this one. I ran into him a couple years later (after his Dad died) and he thanked me for the suggestion as he followed up on it.

You should be glad you have this chance to reach out. You may have to bite your tongue and swallow your pride, so what!

But, by posting here and asking, you already know that!

Good luck!

 

I agree with the others. You should make the attempt, not for his sake, but for your own, as well as your mother's.

As stated, it might not go well, but you'll never know if you forgo the effort.

Closure is important, and you won't get any opportunity for that once he is gone.

Best wishes in this.

 

Do it.. for you and your mom..

 

Tough one for sure. But as Beetle-Kill said do it for your Mom if nothing else.

 

There's a lot of great advice here. I agree with the others. Go in without any expectations and just be glad you even have the opportunity to have at least one last talk. Many dont get that chance. Big deal if you have to swallow your pride.

The right thing to do is very rarely the easy/comfortable thing to do.

 

Please don’t forget that you are being afforded a choice which many of us never got or will get. If you have to convince yourself your going to do for your mom so be it but don’t miss an opportunity you will most certainly live to regret. Jesus set the example of forgiveness. I for one believe we should follow that example. Don’t misunderstand me I struggle with forgiveness of others in my life everyday but I have yet to regret a decision to forgive someone when I had the opportunity. I cannot say the same for the times I chose not forgive. Just sharing my own experiences, take from it what you will. I will pray for you, your mom & dad. It’s a tough row to hoe.

 

You already knew the answer to this before you ask ,you just need a little push from your FHC family.

 

Do it for your Mom and you will be helping Yourself as well as your Dad even if it is not readily apparent. Just cut things short if it turns bad. Maintain a compassionate attitude no matter what. Remember, when you are looking at your Dad, you are looking at yourself some day. Death comes to us all and leaves no way to address our regrets. Only the living still have that privilege. Use that privilege while you can!

 

say your peace, at least when he is gone you know in good conscious you did that much.
I had a step dad all my life and he was one ornery mean SOB. He passed away suddenly a while back and while I pretty much hated him growing up, I do miss him.

 

Just buried my dad this November. We had our moments, but they built their retirement home on our farm and we have cared for them over 15 years. Don't go into this conversation expecting anything. Just the ability. to say hi and maybe a hug at the end. Our lives aren't a tv show and the writer for ours is God so we don't know the beginning, middle or ending. But we do have the ability to create our own script be it right or wrong. My dad and I never talked about the troubles between us, never apologized for actions and words, wasn't swept under the rug, just wasn't relevant anymore and we went on. Sorry to hear about your dad's health, do what you can live with. Like life, there aren't any "do overs" so what you do, you have to live with. Good luck in your decision.

 

My dad's father left the home when he was two. He was the youngest 6 children. I remember him saying "he took one look at me and decided to leave." He never had a chance to talk to him again until he was 17, and his father was on his death bed. He told me that he didn't know until the last minute if could do it, but he did, and is better for it. I know there were things that still nag him to this day, some of which he has confided in me, but I think it could have been a lot worse.

All that being said, he reconciled things as best he could with the chance he had. He was and is a great father to his 6 children. I just saw him today which happens to be his 79th birthday.

 

Its not always about (you) us. Do it for your mom. 15 years is a long time to go angry. Just try. Give your dad a chance to make it better. If somehow things work out, great. If it doesn't, cross that road when it comes, but you'll know in your heart that you tried.
Harboring anger will eat you alive, Greenstick. Don't allow it to happen. Show your dad love even if he doesn't want it.
I will pray for peace for you and your family.