A bit of humor!

Its funny how axe handles are made of wood,

Its like the ultimate "screw you" to trees......

 

Good ol' Chuck Norris......ENJOY!

Chuck Norris isn't even that great. If he was so great, he would come up behind me right now and slam my head on the keybswuhowdbfoecn ejefj cjehcefj.

Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade you have ever tasted

chuck noris once threw a gernade and killed 30 people..................... then it exploded

They once named a bridge after Chuck Norris. They had to tear it down though, because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together

chuck norris doesnt lick the back of a stamp if he wants to send out the mail, he just looks at the stamps and they wet themselves

 

A bit more Chuck Norris tales......


Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his house, the bear is not dead he is just to scared to move

When Chuck Norris does a push up he isn't pushing himself up but he is pushing the earth down.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he just stares them down until they give him the information he needs

Chuck Norris once threw a rock in the air, now we have the moon

Chuck Norris and Superman once agreed to a fight, the loser had to wear their underwear on the outside of their pants.

Chuck Norris can flush a port-a-potty.

chuck Norris can hear sign language

Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse Now we have a native animal in Africa called the giraffe

Chuck Norris was bitten by a poisonous cobra in the woods. After 3 days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris can pull a push door.

Chuck Norris orders his pancakes at the Waffle House.... And he gets them.

 

A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No, you idiot!” the man shouted. “This is her husband!”

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base. Dave Barry

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end. Jerry Seinfeld

A young man named Murphy, applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the Department Manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one question. The manager went to Murphy and said “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the American.” Murphy said “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job.” The manager said, “We have made our decision, not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.” Murphy asked, “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” The manager: “Simple. The American, on question #5, wrote “I don’t know.” You put down, “Neither do I.”

 

During the celebration of their 50th wedding anniversary, the wife noticed a tear in her husband’s eye. “I never realized how sentimental you are,” she said. “That’s not it,” he sniffled. “Remember when your father caught us in the barn, he said if I didn’t marry you he’d send me to jail for 50 years? Well, today I would have been a free man!”


“What were you doing when the police arrived?” the judge asked the defendant. “Waiting, sir,” said the defendant. “For what?” asked the judge. “For money,” said the defendant. “Who was supposed to give you money?” asked the judge. “The man I was waiting for,” said the defendant. “Why was he going to give you money?” asked the judge. “For waiting,” said the defendant. “Enough of this! What do you do for a living?” exclaimed the judge. “I’m a waiter,” said the defendant.

 

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day,
Give a man a fishing rod, and he'll break it up for firewood,
Or trade it for a fish.

 

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

 

I miss Tim Conway!

 

On a flight to Washington, D.C., the strong wind along the Potomac River made it difficult for the pilot to land. After two attempts, the aircraft was circling for another try. One fellow noticed the guy next to him had a white-knuckled grip on the armrests. The fellow thought he’d reassure the guy. “Don’t worry. Those people in the cockpit know what they’re doing.” The man replied, “You don’t understand. I’m a commercial pilot, and I know what they’re doing.”

Lawyer: “What is your date of birth?”
Witness: “July 15th.”
Lawyer: “What year?”
Witness: “Every year.”

Lawyer: “Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?”
Witness: “There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet.”
Lawyer: “Can you identify the rifle?”
Witness: “Yes. There was something written on the side of it.”
Lawyer: “And what did the writing say?”
Witness: “’Winchester’!”

Lawyer: “What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?”
Witness: “Gucci sweats and Reeboks.”


Lawyer: “Did you blow your horn or anything?”
Witness: “After the accident?”
Lawyer: “Before the accident.”
Witness: “Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.”


Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”


Lawyer: “Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man—“
Witness: “Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.”


Lawyer: “Do you know how far pregnant you are now?”
Witness: “I’ll be three months on November 8.”
Lawyer: “Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?”
Witness: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “What were you doing at that time?”


Lawyer: “Have you lived in this town all your life?”
Witness: “Not yet.”


Lawyer: “Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?”
Witness: “No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.”


Lawyer: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
Witness: “All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.”


Lawyer: “Did he pick the dog up by the ears?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “What was he doing with the dog’s ears?”
Witness: “Picking them up in the air.”
Lawyer: “Where was the dog at this time?”
Witness: “Attached to the ears.”


Lawyer: “Could you see him from where you were standing?”
Witness: “I could see his head.”
Lawyer: “And where was his head?”
Witness: “Just above his shoulders.”


Lawyer: “The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it? You too were shot in the fracas.”
Witness: “No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.”


Lawyer: “And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?”
Witness: “Oral.”
Lawyer: “How old are you?”
Witness: “Oral.”

 

A great variation on a classic!