Hey Guys, A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfare, accommodation, etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding -- so he can't go. If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 p.m. Her name's Louise. She's 5'4", about 125 lbs, good cook, makes $130,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress.
Golf and Hooters... Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Nevada, the other to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf. At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch. “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts, and the legs ...” “OK.” Ten years later at age 40 they play. “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters. “Why?” “Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.” “OK.” Ten years later at age 50 they play “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking.” ”OK.” At age 60 they play “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Wings are half price.” “OK” At age 70 they play “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.” “OK.” At age 80 they play “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “We’ve never been there before.”
Going to a strip show expecting to see everything is another good example of fuzzy thinking. A stenographer gave a piece of paper to the company auditor, explaining, "Here's that report you wanted Mr Berry." He corrected, "My name is Mr Perry. You must have been talking to the head bookkeeper, who can't pronounce his P's right. What else did he say about me? She answered, "Only that when it comes to meaningless details, you are a regular brick."
A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?" The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. "Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!" "It was," said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my life." "Second worst? What could have been worse than that?" "Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.
Another version: Is It Rain or Snow? A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose. “I think it is raining,” he said to his wife. “No, that felt more like snow to me,” said the woman. “No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said. Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about the silly thing of whether it was rain or snow. Just then they saw a Communist Party Official walking towards them. The man said, “Let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it is officially raining or snowing.” As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?” “It’s raining, of course,” he replied and walked on. But the woman insisted, “I know that felt like snow!” To which the man quietly replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”
SPANISH WORDS OF THE DAY................ 1. *Cheese* The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat 2. *Mushroom* When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom. 3. *Shoulder* My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder. 4. * Texas* My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at! 5. *Herpes* Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes. 6. *July* Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer! 7. *Rectum* I had two cars but my wife rectum! 8. *Chicken* I was going to g o to the store with my wife but chicken go herself. 9. *Wheelchair* We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair. 10. *Chicken* *wing* My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing. 11. *Harassment* My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me. 12. *Bishop* My wife fell down the stair so I had topick the bishop. 13. *Body wash* I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids. 14. *Brief* Maria fart in my car and it stinkie so bad I could not brief.
A padded bra: the difference between fact and fiction. A pregnant woman’s husband got hot to trat and she asked, “Can’t you wait until after the baby comes? He groaned, “Hell, it will be years before the kid is old enough to do that.”
"Dogs Welcome!" A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: SIR: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or steal pictures off the walls or use them as a coloring book. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
Teepee: Toilet on an Indian reservation. My wife must think I’m too loud. She keeps turning me down. Before I heard Professors tell the facts about a kiss I had considered bussing you the next best thing to this But now I know biology I huff and puff and moan Six thousand foul bacteria and I thought we were alone.
My chemistry teacher told me years ago that alcohol was a solution....I've been following that lesson ever since....
You are only as old as you feel and when you are really anchient, that’s about all you can still do. They’re taking my baby away from me! Came the cry of an anguished mom As I sat in the hospital waiting room Those words hit me like a bomb “They’re taking my baby,” again she cried “Let’s help her!” I told a neighbour “Control yourself,” he calmly replied “That dame you hear is in labor.”
Loose bikini: Wearing a peril. Perfume makes a swell gift for your lady friend but choose wisely. Many scents have a secret hyponitic ingredient, which makes a man think he can support a wife.
